Microsoft Addresses Appeals Court DecisionREDMOND, Wash. - June 1, 2001 -- In direct response to
the recent decision handed down by the Court of
Appeals agreeing with the decision of the lower court
on the case presented by the Department of Justice,
Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be
acquiring the federal government of the United States
of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned
growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates, "It
really is going to be a positive arrangement for
everyone."
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval
office of the White House with U.S. President George
Bush, and assured members of the press that changes
will be "minimal". The United States will be managed
as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial
public offering is planned for July of next year, and
the federal government is expected to be profitable by
"Q4 2002 at the latest", according to Microsoft
president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, George Bush stated that he
had "willingly and enthusiastically" accepted a
position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will
continue to manage the United States government,
reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it
felt to give up the mantle of executive authority to
Gates, Bush smiled and referred to it as "a relief".
He went on to say that Gates has a "proven track
record", and that U.S. citizens should offer Gates
their "full support and confidence". Bush will
reportedly be earning several times the $400,000
annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new
role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be
moved to Redmond as "silly", though did say that he
would make executive decisions for the U.S. Government
from his existing office at Microsoft headquarters.
Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would
"of course" be abolished. "Microsoft isn't a
democracy," he observed, "and look how well we're
doing."
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by
stating that United States citizens will be able to
expect lower taxes, increases in government services
and discounts on all Microsoft products.
About Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the
worldwide leader in software for personal computers,
and democratic government. The company offers a wide
range of products and services for public, business
and personal use, each designed with the mission of
making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take
advantage of the full power of personal computing and
free society every day.
About the United States
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the
most successful nation in the history of the world,
and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for
over 200 years. Headquartered in Washington, D.C.,
the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of
Microsoft Corporation.
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