On a trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a man from Texas stands up in the rear of the plane. He is handsome; tall, well-built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.
.......One button at a time.........
..............No one moves................
.............He removes his shirt....................
.......Muscles ripple across his chest..................
.................She gasps................
...............He whispers,.................
............"Iron this - and then get me a beer."..............
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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That is toooooooooo funny!! Take the rest of the day off Jane, then go cook your man a good home cooked meal.
-------------------- Ricky Jackson Signs Now 614 Russell Parkway Warner Robins, GA (478) 923-7722 signpimp50@hotmail.com
"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." Sir Issac Newton Posts: 3528 | From: Warner Robins, GA | Registered: Oct 2004
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A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?" She replies "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children." His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful. " Holy Moses," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I blanked on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery? "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
[ October 05, 2005, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: Jane Diaz ]
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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A drunk is in a checkout line in the supermarket. He watches the woman in front of him place the items on the counter to be checked. He looks at her and says "You are single, aren't you?" She is amazed and says "You figured that out by what I'm buying?" He answers "Nahhh! It's 'cause you are very fat and ugly!"
-------------------- Si Allen #562 La Mirada, CA. USA
(714) 521-4810
si.allen on Skype
siallen@dslextreme.com
"SignPainters do It with Longer Strokes!"
Never mess with your profile while in a drunken stupor!!!
Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8827 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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Walter and Edna, a couple in their 60's go to their doctor for their annual check-up. After a thorough exam, the doctor tells Walter that he's had a 40% loss of hearing, but outside of that, he's in reasonably good shape. He goes out to his car to ponder on his exam results, and wait for Edna. When she arrives, he tells her about the hearing loss, which really doesn't surprise her."You hardly ever hear half of what I tell you", she declares.
Walter then inquires about his wife's state of health. Edna tells him "the doctor says that I have Acute Angina". Walter then says" Hell, I've known that for years, why do you think I married you?"
-------------------- Ken Henry Henry & Henry Signs London, Ontario Canada (519) 439-1881 e-mail: kjmlhenry@rogers.com
Why do I get all those on-line offers to sell me Viagara, when the only thing hardening is my arteries ? Posts: 2684 | From: London,Ontario, Canada | Registered: Feb 1999
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[ October 06, 2005, 08:52 AM: Message edited by: Mark M. Kottwitz ]
-------------------- Mark Kottwitz Kottwitz Graphics Ridgely, MD www.SeeMySignWork.com -------------------------- Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- Albert Einstein Posts: 746 | From: Ridgely, MD | Registered: Oct 2000
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Gotta another one this morning via e-mail.... My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No." She answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes." She replied. Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.
[ October 06, 2005, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Jane Diaz ]
-------------------- Jane Diaz Diaz Sign Art 628 W. Lincoln Ave. Pontiac, Il. 61764 815-844-7024 www.diazsignart.com Posts: 4102 | From: Pontiac, IL USA | Registered: Feb 1999
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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a Coke. The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I think I'll have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. "When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress, "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
"But, sir, what's with the ostrich?" the waitress asks.
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say. . . . "
-------------------- Signs Sweet Home Alabama
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"Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, work like a dog" Posts: 5758 | From: "Sweet Home" Alabama | Registered: Mar 2003
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