1. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage,and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name.?" ______________________________________________________________
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine" _______________________________________________________________
3. "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week," "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." _______________________________________________________________
4. A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." ________________________________________________________________
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." ___ _____________________________________________________
6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: 1. All the DNA is the same. 2. There are no dental records. __________________________________________________________
7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?" The agent replies, "Just a minute..." "Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up. ________________________________________________________
8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." ________________________________________________________
9. The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the chicken in water. And then you dump the stock. ________________________________________________________
10. A guy had been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a blonde wearing the tightest pants he'd ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walked over and asked, "How do you get into those pants?" The young woman looked him over and replied, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink." ________________________________________________________
11. Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion." Joe: "Really?" Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell." ________________________________________________________
12. A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered. "What did he say?" asked the nurse. "OOPS!
-------------------- signs Posts: 535 | From: pa | Registered: Dec 1998
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"...there are no limits when you aim for perfection..." Jonathan Livingston Seagull Posts: 7014 | From: Highgrove via Toowoomba, Queensland, Australia | Registered: Dec 2002
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DrCAS Custom Lettering and Design Saint Cloud, Minnesota
"Things work out best for the people who make the best of the way things work out." - Art Linkletter Posts: 6451 | From: Saint Cloud, Minnesota | Registered: Jun 1999
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posted
A 98 year old man and a 95 year old lady are sitting on the front porch in their rocking chairs. After awhile the little old lady turns her contented gaze to the man and, with a sweet voice, says:
"I sure am proud of you"
The old man says: "huh?"
A little louder she says: "I said, I sure am proud of you"
"huh?"
"I SURE AM PROUD OF YOU!"
"Well, I'm tired of you too"
[ August 25, 2005, 10:35 AM: Message edited by: Wayne Webb ]
-------------------- Wayne Webb Webb Signworks Chipley, FL 850.638.9329 wayne@webbsignworks.com Posts: 7403 | From: Chipley,Florida,United States | Registered: Oct 1999
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posted
Just got this in my e-mail . . .here's a tip for the not-so-great housekeeper:
Good Housekeeping Tip:
Always keep several get well cards on the mantel or end table..... That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.
. . . Thanx Heloise . . .
-------------------- Signs Sweet Home Alabama
oneshot on chat
"Look like a girl, act like a lady, think like a man, work like a dog" Posts: 5758 | From: "Sweet Home" Alabama | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Here's one more for perfectly illustrating the married couple's biggest dilemma . . . . .
A couple always enjoyed watching that popular game show 'Millionaire'. One evening as they were sitting on the couch watching the program, the husband, feeling amorous, made a 'move' on his wife. But she said, "Not tonight dear."
"Is that your final answer?" "Yes." she said firmly.
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