posted
posted December 25, 2004 13:21 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BUSINESS NEWS
HOLIDAY MERGER
Continuing the current trend of large scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced that next holiday season Christmas and Chanukah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works for about 1300 years, ever since the rise of the Muslim Empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high quality service during the Fifteen Days of Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called.
Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming more unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on the dreydl will be the more generic "Miraculous sh1t happens." In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandizing resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. Though that problem still hasn't been solved, a small breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Santa's dentist.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely pointed out that were it not for the independent existence of Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Chanukah might indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market. Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy, Come All Ye Faithful."
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Brushasaurus on Chat Posts: 8831 | From: La Mirada, CA, USA | Registered: Nov 1998
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...and Jesus was as Jewish as you can get! Most Americans have no idea how much of a debt our country owes to the Jewish people. There are several things on the dollar bill that are there in honor of their act of heroish. When our first continental army didn't have shoes, coats or guns and ammo, one Jew networked and raised over $2,000,000 and GAVE it so that our country could win the war with Great Brittan. There is a menora and the shekinah glory of God depicted on the back of the dollar bill. REAL Christians love the Jewish people.
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"If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants." Sir Issac Newton Posts: 3528 | From: Warner Robins, GA | Registered: Oct 2004
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